She finally drove me over the edge, I think. I duct-taped her to the ceiling, and then pounded razor blades into her eyes.

She screamed a lot at first, and I had to staple her mouth shut. I didn't want to; while her eyes hold no real value, her lips are part of why I kept her in the first place. And now my old Swingline is freezing up from the sticky mess all over it.

Maybe if she begins to behave herself enough for me to let her down later, I'll make her lick the mess off.